December 2010
1 post
On using an institutional holiday greeting...
Me, in an email forwarding the template: “Uhh, we don’t really have to use this, do we?”
Him: “I just simultaneously barfed and cried. No, it is an abomination. Please, never speak of it again. My soul feels dirty somehow, as though I kicked an angel in the groin.”
So I guess we’re not using it.
November 2010
13 posts
“I didn’t pay your bus fare over here for you to go shopping, little girl.”
– Him, to a male colleague at an out-of-town conference (in reference to the colleague’s bag of new shows).
On nutrition
Him: Well, why can't meetings be places to air things publicly?
Me: They can, just as long as you don't make anyone cry.
Him: But then what would I do for nutrients? I feed on tears.
On the retirement of a far-flung colleague
“I hope he dies like David Carradine.
[Pause] Oh. You got that reference?”
On grad student photographers
Him: I refuse to work with them anymore; he was a total rip-off and charged five times what I'd pay for just a regular photographer downtown.
Me: Why's that?
Him: I don't know. He thought he was making art or something.
Me: Did he wear a plaid button-up shirt during the shoot?
Him: No, but he had one of those sensitive-heart beards.
On warm welcomes
Him, via email, when asked to make copy suggestions for a congratulatory note card from a post-secondary institution:
“Welcome to the terrordome
Your presence in the collective is highly anticipated
Let the awesomeness begin
Your cool quotient has just increased tenfold.” Sent from my iPhone
On benevolence
Me: Alright, see you in ten days or so.
Him: You're gone tomorrow already? Why did I approve this? You're welcome.
Me: Thanks. I guess it had nothing to do with me working really hard these last eight weeks, my time off is all thanks to your benevolence.
Him: I am benevolent! I took an online survey once and it said I was a benevolent orb.
Me: *crippling laughter*
Him: Seriously, I am benevolent. Like an orb.
On listening skills
Me: Are we meeting now?
Him: Yeah, right now. I should probably grab my meeting notebook.
Me: Why's that?
Him: I should probably pretend that I'm going to listen to what you're saying.
“I want my coffee black, just like my soul. Hot and black. And bitter.”
– Him, to the new hire who offered to get him coffee this morning.
“I am terrible at thinking through long term consequences for myself.
I run my...”
– Him
On misery
Him, after shooting another barb my way: “Man, I’m in a good mood today.” Me: “Yeah, I guess my misery is your pleasure.” Him: “That’s not misery. Misery is doing push-ups in somebody else’s vomit.”
And then he turned and walked away.
On red day planners
Me: Oh, that's right, your day planner is black this year - not blue like you wanted.
Him: What color did you get? Didn't we all get default black?
Me: No, I ordered red and got it.
Him: Red is for hussies.
Him VS. national airline, after his business...
TIME: After 15 minutes of arguing and being told nothing more than “I can confirm your luggage is not in the city you are in.”
“I need to talk to someone with a brain. [Pause] No, that’s not you. Obviously. [Pause] I need to talk to you supervisor or someone who can actually make a decision about something. [Pause] Someone with a brain. [Pause] Your people have been...
After two weeks on vacation
Him: Today’s been a really weird day. Me: Really? Seemed like a pretty normal Monday to me. Him: You’re wrong. Me (laughing): Man, it’s been two weeks since I’ve been put in my place on a daily basis; I was almost starting to have some self-confidence again. Him (deadpan): Confidence is only appropriate when you’re right.
And then he left.