On using an institutional holiday greeting template
Me, in an email forwarding the template: “Uhh, we don’t really have to use this, do we?”
Him: “I just simultaneously barfed and cried. No, it is an abomination. Please, never speak of it again. My soul feels dirty somehow, as though I kicked an angel in the groin.”
So I guess we’re not using it.
“
I didn’t pay your bus fare over here for you to go shopping, little girl.
On nutrition
| Him: | Well, why can't meetings be places to air things publicly? |
| Me: | They can, just as long as you don't make anyone cry. |
| Him: | But then what would I do for nutrients? I feed on tears. |
On the retirement of a far-flung colleague
“I hope he dies like David Carradine.
[Pause]
Oh. You got that reference?”
On grad student photographers
| Him: | I refuse to work with them anymore; he was a total rip-off and charged five times what I'd pay for just a regular photographer downtown. |
| Me: | Why's that? |
| Him: | I don't know. He thought he was making art or something. |
| Me: | Did he wear a plaid button-up shirt during the shoot? |
| Him: | No, but he had one of those sensitive-heart beards. |
On warm welcomes
Him, via email, when asked to make copy suggestions for a congratulatory note card from a post-secondary institution:
“Welcome to the terrordome
Your presence in the collective is highly anticipated
Let the awesomeness begin
Your cool quotient has just increased tenfold.”
Sent from my iPhone
On benevolence
| Me: | Alright, see you in ten days or so. |
| Him: | You're gone tomorrow already? Why did I approve this? You're welcome. |
| Me: | Thanks. I guess it had nothing to do with me working really hard these last eight weeks, my time off is all thanks to your benevolence. |
| Him: | I am benevolent! I took an online survey once and it said I was a benevolent orb. |
| Me: | *crippling laughter* |
| Him: | Seriously, I am benevolent. Like an orb. |
On listening skills
| Me: | Are we meeting now? |
| Him: | Yeah, right now. I should probably grab my meeting notebook. |
| Me: | Why's that? |
| Him: | I should probably pretend that I'm going to listen to what you're saying. |
“
I want my coffee black, just like my soul. Hot and black. And bitter.
“
I am terrible at thinking through long term consequences for myself.
I run my mouth because I am loud and American and I will argue with/at someone until they cry or scream.
Or cry while screaming (my favourite).
I run my mouth because I am loud and American and I will argue with/at someone until they cry or scream.
Or cry while screaming (my favourite).
